THAT LOVING FEELING
JANE E BRODYWHEN people fall in love and marry, the expectation is that love and happiness will last. But divorce rates are rising the world over and that dœs not bode well for the institution of marriage. While some divorces are justified by physical or emotional abuse, infidelity, or incompatibility, experts say many severed marriages seem to have just withered from a lack of effort to keep the embers of love alive. I say ‘embers’ because the flame of love—the feelings that prompt people to forget all their troubles and fly down the street—dœs not last very long. The passion of new love inevitably cools and must mature into the compassion and companionship that can sustain a longlasting relationship. Infatuation and passion have short life spans, and must evolve into “companionate love, composed more of deep affection, connection and liking,” according to Sonja Lyubomirsky, a professor of psychology at the University of California. In her new book, The Myths of Happiness, Lyubomirsky describes actions and words that can keep love alive. BUILDING COMPANIONSHIP Lyubomirsky says that the human tendency to become ‘habituated’ to positive circumstances— to get so used to things that make us feel good that they no longer do—can be the death of marital happiness. Recommended strategies include making time to be together and talk, truly listening to each other, and expressing admiration and affection. Lyubomirsky emphasises ‘the importance of appreciation’: count your blessings and resist taking a spouse for granted. Routinely remind yourself and your partner of what you appreciate about the person and the marriage. Also important is variety, which is “critical if we want to stave off adaptation,” the psychologist writes. Mix things up, be spontaneous, change how you do things. Novelty is a powerful aphrodisiac that can also enhance the pleasures of marital sex. Variety gœs hand in hand with another tip: surprise. With time, partners tend to get to know each other all too well, and they can fall into routines that become stultifying. Shake it up. Try new activities, new places, friends. Learn new skills together. “A pat on the back, a squeeze of the hand, a hug, an arm around the shoulder—the science of touch suggests that it can also save a so-so marriage,” Lyubomirsky writes. She suggests “increasing the amount of physical contact by a set amount each week.” POSITIVE ENERGY According to studies by Barbara L Fredrickson, a social psychologist and professor at the University of North Carolina, a flourishing relationship needs three times as many positive emotions as negative ones. In her forthcoming book, Love 2.0, Fredrickson says that cultivating positive energy everyday “motivates us to reach out for a hug more often or share an inspiring or silly idea or image.” Lyubomirsky reports that happily married couples average five positive verbal and emotional expressions for every negative expression, but “very unhappy couples display ratios of less than one to one.” She suggests asking yourself each morning, “What can I do for five minutes today to make my partner’s life better?” The simplest acts, like sharing an amusing event, smiling, or being playful, can enhance marital happiness. —©2013 The New York Times
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